My Girl

A year ago today we received the shock of our lives.  I never imagined that the little girl I was about to give birth to would change my world in the way that she did.  I will never forget the emotions I had on October 3, 2011 @ 1 in the morning.  Even though I may never forget them, they are so far from where we are today.  I know that the feelings I had were human. The fear was realistic. The tears were  pure and sad.  We knew nothing about Down Syndrome and it terrified me.

Today I have a totally different story. Today I can't even bring myself to understand the emotions I had just a short year ago. How was I sad? ? How did I look at her and wonder if we would bond? I feel the tears in my eyes because today I feel shame for having those feelings.  You may think that is ridiculous but it is so true. I look into those sweet eyes today and wonder how I ever cried...  It's the guilt of her ever knowing I cried the day she was born.  The guilt of the unbearable sadness for the fear of what type of life was in store for her. The guilt that stirs knots in my stomach to think she would ever feel as if she was ever a disappointment. I was never disappointed in her. I was disappointed in Down Syndrome. In what exactly the meaning of Down Syndrome meant.

I feel Sawyer has changed our lives in so many ways.  She is exactly who I wanted her to be... Sawyer Brookes Martin.  She is the daughter of Cody and Brikki Martin. She is the sister of Cohen Martin.  She is a grand-daughter, a niece, a cousin, a friend.  She IS NOT Sawyer with Down Syndrome.  I prayed that God would lead me to understand the path he chose for us and in this past year I have seen the light.  I can now say Thank You! We are so lucky.  Not because my little girl has DS, but because my little girl is healthy and happy. This small part of her anatomy has shown me the more important things in life. It has brought me to the mother I am today and the woman I have become.  I can't imagine our life without her in it. I would never pray she would be anyone different than who she is.

There are still times when I see friends who have children the same age as Sawyer and they are crawling, walking, talking, etc. Things that most 1 year olds do.  There are times when I feel a bit of sadness for her (not me) while watching, then I quickly snap out of it.  Who, selfishly, wouldn't want their babies to stay babies a little bit longer? I love babies, so God definitely gave me the perfect package :) There will soon come a day when she won't be do dependent on us.  We will continue to work hard for her independence, but until then I'll love up on my cuddle bug a little longer.

Now I will stay realistic...Yes I will always wonder about her future and what her limitations will be due to Down Syndrome. If I could take away any limitation she will ever face I would, would, but wouldn't every parent?  Yet, I know that she will do whatever SHE wants.  Her views of life my be different than the views she may have had without an extra chromosome. But that is besides the point. HER goals in HER life will be HERS! We will push her towards her goals (maybe even a little harder) because this momma will not allow her to accept anything but the best she can be!

The other day I was thinking about Cohen and Sawyer and the bond that they have. It made me realize that Cohen has never been mean to her or even jealous of her one day in her life.  There are not many out there who can say the same. I am not saying they will never fight because I know they will. But I can say that Cohen has a special part of him that gives his sister more love than I have ever seen a 2 year old give their younger sibling.  And they way they look at each other is pure joy.  It is like God instilled this little piece of sweetness in him just for her!  This is looking back at year of love between them....

She is and will always be the daughter I dreamed of having.  She is going to tell me her inner most secrets and we will continue to grow our mother-daughter bond. It amazes me how my human instinct had me so worried we wouldn't have these things.  But we do and we will because...
She is.... MY GIRL!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SAWYER! WE LOVE YOU!

"I have been blessed with so much more than I deserve."

             - Martina McBride